The Concept of Exchange of Affection

In our culture, rarely is anything given without the expectation of receiving something in return. People give gifts, and expect a thank-you. People smile and expect the other person to smile back. People are nice, and they expect that same niceness to flow back to them. People love, and expect the object of that love to find them just as lovely. The thing is, everyone’s got different things going on within him or her, so it’s a near miracle when an exchange of any sort is on equal footing. The expectation of such an equal exchange is really a set-up.

I notice this especially when I’m walking. There’s a great diversity in moods and behavior in the people I pass. You have everything from the friendly to the offensive. I’ve often been like a little mirror, reflecting the energy of everyone I see, smiling when someone smiles at me, frowning as someone blows me off, angry as someone is openly aggressive, defensive as I feel criticism leveled at me. Instead of a relaxing walk by the ocean, it’s more like a roller coaster of feelings—a roller coaster over which it feels like I have no control. Of course, this isn’t true. I do have control. I haven’t exerted control because I’ve believed in exchange. It has severely limited what I’ll allow myself to experience.

It’s as if I’ve believed that I hold a bag full of appreciation, and I dole it out like gold stars, according to the situation. If people don’t behave according to my expectations, I withdraw that appreciation, and put it back in my bag. I’m behaving as if I’m punishing the other individual by withholding something valuable. The idea is that if I withhold this appreciation, the other person will suffer and change their behavior. Except that my lack of appreciation for someone doesn’t punish the other person. I’m the one who suffers because, whether someone deserves it or not, it feels good to appreciate. As I withhold that appreciation, I’m the one who feels tight and irritated. It really has nothing to do with the other person.

When you believe that life is a ledger sheet, and everything has to balance out, you’re not in control of your own happiness because someone else has to behave in a certain fashion for you to feel appreciation for him or her. I don’t like feeling so constrained. So I’ve decided that my purpose for being here is to enjoy myself, and in pursuit of that end, I’m not going to require that anyone do anything in particular for me to feel appreciation toward them. That doesn’t mean I become a doormat. If someone is doing something I don’t like, I’ll take whatever action I think I need to take, but at the same time, I’m not going to withdraw the appreciation I feel toward that person because I like that feeling of appreciating. It benefits me.

It has taken me a while to reach this conclusion. I’ve often been puzzled when I’ve loved people who don’t love me back; sometimes they haven’t even liked me back. Finally, I realized that I was viewing life as ledger sheet, and life doesn’t work that way. Sometimes, the people you love aren’t able to return your appreciation of them. Sometimes, they aren’t even close to understanding your true feelings even when such feelings are expressed in plain language. Sometimes people actively turn you into the enemy for their own purposes and despite your feelings about them. And all of this is okay . . .  except when you believe, as I have, that life is supposed to be an even exchange—tit for tat. Then things get messy.

When you hold the belief that “if I think something nice about someone else, they must return that thought,” you’re going to be disappointed with most people because most people will not be able to fulfill your expectations. In practical terms, just because you love or like someone that doesn’t mean that they’re going to be able to return the feelings. That doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve your appreciation. It means that they probably can’t see it, and in light of that they’re going to have a near impossible time returning it even if they want to return it. So I figure I might as well think of my appreciation as a gift, and one that does not require a thank-you note because then I’m not left to the whim of the people I deal with on a daily basis. I’m in control of how I feel because I’m deciding instead of responding.

It’s a mighty powerful thing, I think, looking at it this way. It feels like I’m moving from the passenger’s seat to the driver’s seat, from the puppet to the puppeteer, from the reactor to the actor. From here on out, there will be no more contracts for affection. I’m giving away appreciation for free.